HERMAN: * “My first wife died of cancer after we had been married for
34 years. When I remarried, my wife Linda felt that I was always comparing her
to my first wife. To make matters worse, old friends often talked about my late
wife’s fine qualities, and this upset Linda.”
LINDA:
“After Herman and I married, I felt that I was living in
the shadow of his first wife. She was so well-loved, soft-spoken, and refined.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be as close to him as she was.”
Herman and Linda are happy that they
found each other. Linda, who divorced her first husband, even calls Herman her
“knight in shining armor.” Yet, as they acknowledge, a second marriage may
bring challenges that never existed in a first marriage. *
If you
have remarried, how do you feel about your second marriage? A wife named
Tamara, who remarried three years after her divorce, says: “When you marry for
the first time, there is that special feeling that your marriage will last
forever. But with a second marriage, you may not have that feeling, as you are
always aware that your first marriage ended.”
Nevertheless, many couples have
found deep and lasting happiness after remarrying. They made their marriage a
success—and you can be successful too! How? Consider three common challenges
and how Bible principles can help you to meet them.
CHALLENGE 1: YOU
STRUGGLE TO KEEP AN EARLIER MARRIAGE FROM OVERSHADOWING YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE.
“I
can’t simply erase memories of my first marriage, especially when we travel to
the same places where my ex-husband and I went on vacation,” says Ellen, who
lives in South Africa. “Sometimes I end up comparing my current husband to my
former husband.” On the other hand, if your mate was previously married, you
may resent it if your mate often talks about that marriage.
Create new memories that
unite you as a couple
SUGGESTION:
Accept the fact that it is unrealistic to expect that you
or your mate will simply forget a first marriage, especially if it lasted
several years. In fact, some people admit that they have accidentally called
their mate by the name of their previous spouse! How can you deal with such a
situation or similar ones? “Try to understand each other,” advises the Bible.—1 Peter 3:8, New Century Version.
Do not
jealously forbid all mention of a first marriage. If your mate feels the need
to talk about life with his or her first spouse, listen sympathetically and
compassionately. Also, do not hastily conclude that you are being compared. “My
wife Kaitlyn never viewed the topic of my late wife as taboo,” says Ian, who
remarried ten years ago. “Rather, she saw it as a way to learn what made me who
I am today.” You may even find that such conversations will help you to build a
closer friendship with your new mate.
Focus
on your present mate’s unique and positive qualities. True, your mate
may lack certain qualities or abilities that your former spouse had. But your
current mate likely excels in other areas. Therefore, strengthen the foundation
of your present marriage, “not in comparison with the other person,” but by
reflecting on and appreciating what you love about your mate. (Galatians 6:4) A man named Edmond, who has
been married twice, puts it this way, “Just as no two friendships are the same,
so no two marriages are the same.”
How
can you balance fond memories of your first marriage with the life you have
started with your new mate? “I once explained to my wife that my first marriage
was like a beautiful book written by my first wife and me,” says Jared. “From
time to time, I may open and read that book and reflect on our good
experiences. But I don’t live in that book. Rather, my wife and I are
writing our own book together, and this is where I now live happily.”
TRY
THIS: Ask your mate whether he or she ever feels awkward when
the topic of a first marriage arises. Identify times when it would be best not
to talk about a first marriage.
CHALLENGE 2: YOU
STRUGGLE TO INTERACT WITH OLD FRIENDS WHO ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH YOUR NEW SPOUSE
“For
some time after we married, my wife felt that a few of my friends were
analyzing her and testing her out,” says Javier, who remarried six years after
his divorce. A husband named Leo faced a different situation. He relates, “Some
people told my wife how much they loved and missed her former husband—right in
front of me!”
SUGGESTION: Try to put yourself in your friends’ shoes. “I think old
friends sometimes find it very painful and awkward to associate with someone
who is just one half of the couple they have known,” says Ian, quoted earlier.
So “be reasonable, exhibiting all mildness toward all” people. (Titus 3:2) Allow time for your friends and
family to adjust. As your marriage has changed, so your friendships may change
too. Javier, quoted previously, says that as time passed, he and his wife
rekindled old friendships. “But we also try to make new friends as a
couple,” he adds, “and that helps us too.”
Consider
your mate’s feelings when you spend time with old friends. For example, if your
first marriage comes up in conversation, use tact and good judgment so that
your current mate does not feel excluded. “If a person speaks words without
thinking,” says a Bible proverb, “then those words can hurt like a sword. But a
wise person is careful with the things he says. His words can heal those
hurts.”—Proverbs 12:18, Holy Bible—Easy-to-Read
Version.
TRY
THIS: Anticipate social events that could be awkward for you or
your mate. In advance, discuss the best way to handle your friends’ questions
and comments about a first marriage.
CHALLENGE 3: YOU
STRUGGLE TO TRUST YOUR NEW MATE BECAUSE YOUR FIRST SPOUSE WAS DISLOYAL.
“I
used to be terrified of being betrayed again,” says Andrew, whose first wife
left him. Later, he married his present wife, Riley. “I often wondered if I
could ever be as good as Riley’s first husband. I even worried that she would
decide I wasn’t good enough and then leave me for someone else.”
SUGGESTION:
Freely share your concerns with your mate. “There is a
frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” the Bible says. (Proverbs 15:22) Confidential talk
eventually helped Andrew and Riley to trust each other. “I told Riley that I
would never resort to divorce as an easy way out of problems,” Andrew says,
“and Riley assured me of the same thing. Gradually, I’ve come to trust her
implicitly.”
If
your present mate was betrayed in an earlier marriage, take deliberate steps to
earn your mate’s trust. For example, Michel and Sabine, whose first marriages
ended in divorce, agreed to tell each other if they had any contact with their
former spouses. “This commitment made us feel safe and secure,” says Sabine.—Ephesians 4:25.
TRY
THIS: Set limits on private communication with the opposite
sex, whether in person, on the phone, or online.
Many
second marriages have succeeded, and yours can too. After all, compared to the
first time you married, you likely know yourself better. “I have found
immeasurable comfort in my marriage to Riley,” says Andrew, quoted earlier.
“After 13 years of marriage, we have a very close relationship—one that we
never want to lose.”
ASK
YOURSELF . . .
·
What are some unique
qualities of my mate that I especially value?
·
If the topic of my first
marriage comes up, how can I handle the subject in a way that reassures and
dignifies my current mate?
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