THE CHALLENGE
“You’re not
listening to me!” your spouse says. ‘But I was,’
you tell yourself. Evidently, though, what you heard is different
from what your spouse said. As a result, another argument erupts.
WHY IT HAPPENS
You are distracted, tired, or both. The kids are yelling, the television is blaring, and you
are thinking about a problem you had at work. Now your spouse starts talking to
you
You make assumptions. This has been called a damaging form of “mind reading.”
You assume that
there is a hidden message behind your spouse’s words, when in fact you may be
reading too much into the situation. For example, suppose your spouse says:
“You’ve spent a lot of extra time at work this week.” Interpreting this as
criticism, you say: “It’s not my fault! I have to work extra hours because you
are running up our bills.” “I wasn’t blaming you!” shouts your mate
You look for solutions
prematurely. “Sometimes I just want
to express how I feel,” says Marcie, *
“but Mike wants to tell me how to fix it. I don’t want to fix it. I just want
him to know how I’m feeling.” The problem? Mike’s mind is racing to find a
solution. As a result, he will probably miss some or all of what Marcie is
saying.
Whatever the cause of
the problem, how can you become a better listener?
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Give your complete attention. Your spouse has something important to say, but are you ready to listen?
Perhaps not. Your mind may be on other things just now. If so, do not pretend to listen. If
possible, put aside what you are doing and give your mate your full attention,
or perhaps you could ask your mate to wait until you are able to do so.
Agree to speak one at a time. When it is your turn to listen, resist the urge to
interrupt or disagree. You will get your turn to speak. For now, just listen.
Ask questions. This will make you better able to understand what your
mate is saying. Marcie, quoted earlier, says: “I love it when Mike asks
questions. It shows me that he’s interested in what I’m saying.”
Listen for the message, not just the
words. Note what is conveyed by body
language, eye movement, and tone of voice. “That’s fine” might really mean
“That’s not fine”
Keep listening. Do not tune out or walk away, even if what you are
hearing displeases you. For example, what if your mate is criticizing you?
“Keep listening,” advises Gregory, who has been married for over 60 years.
“Give genuine consideration to what your mate is saying. This takes a measure
of maturity, but it pays off.”
Be sincerely interested in your
mate. Active listening is, not a mere
technique, but an act of love. When you have genuine interest in what your mate
is saying, listening becomes less forced and more natural. In this way you will
be following the Bible’s admonition: “Look out for one anotherʼs interests, not
just for your own.”
- “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”
—James 1:19. - “When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears
it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation.”
—Proverbs 18:13. - “The ear of wise ones seeks to find knowledge.”
—Proverbs 18:15.
If you try to talk while
your mate is in another room or is concentrating on something else, will he or
she hear what you say? It might be better to get your mate’s full attention
first or wait for a better opportunity.
Consider a Bible
example: When Jesus had an important point to make about humility, he did not
simply blurt it out. He waited until circumstances were conducive to listening.
Then he called his apostles to him and made his point.
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